I sit here in this dark abyss I call my mind drowning in my black thoughts on my last breaths; my body not wanting to quit but keep living.  But, an early death sounds ever so appealing cuz the burden of living weighs ever so heavily on my shoulders.

The whispers from death used to flow from one ear out the other but lately this flow has become more like a traffic jam where one now pays attention to its call.

I’ve heard it said that stars usually smile for the cameras despite their inner glumness.  Well I know the felling except my world has no bright lights or red carpets.  The only red I see is from the blood dripping away from my soul as it dies slowly. 

I feel like a stranger in my own body.  An alien out of his zone.  Trying to somehow adapt but always feeling left in the cold; the feeling of numbness permeating my body.  Death and happiness feeling one in the same.  Faith…God…Fear…sadness…all jumbled into one big ball of nothingness.

Death reigns eternal in my grasp.  I smile for the world but inside I die.  The person you know is a complete stranger.  The real Ish is locked, trapped in eternal damnation inside his wicked thoughts with Death as the key to his freedom from this plight.

But, therein lies the complexity of the matter at hand because the exterior self sees his own mother fighting and fearing death as the enemy.  And, if her own son takes on death to release himself and be free and finally happy, this same liberator becomes a demon for his mother who will then  fall into an untimely and unwanted death, now trapped in its damnation and evil grip.

So, I live trapped as a tragic hero while everyone sees a front: happy, beaming, joyful, full of life…yet life truly escapes me as Hope and Happiness become a jester mocking me everyday knowing fully well I’ll never enjoy its paradise instead living my days with a broken smile.

written by: Ismael (aka Ish)